Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
