Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
