There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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