Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize