unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
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