apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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