I wish I could teleport
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
