I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
