All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
It's never too late to be topless.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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