haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
