the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
