It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
