im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
