So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
