we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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