he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
