Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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