you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
