Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
