Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
