I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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