The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
