Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize
