Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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