you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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