She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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