Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
She just used a chaser for red wine.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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