Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize