Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
