smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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