It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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