Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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