i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
