it's not cheating when I paid for it
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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