My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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