apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
