a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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