I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
