she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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