party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
