he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
