I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
