i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Randomize