she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
