just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize