Are we in a gay sports bar?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
i think my cat just said my name.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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