When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Did you pee in the oven last night??
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
