it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
