$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
