she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
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