I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
