"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
