I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
