you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize