I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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