btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
