the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
should my penis look like a turkey
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
