My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
