Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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