textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
