Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Everclear isn't food dammit
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
