i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
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